Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Randomize
