What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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