somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
