Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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