just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
