does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
