My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
