remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
