you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
