This is not my ceiling
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
