glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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