All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
