and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
