fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
