HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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