I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize