Define "chronic" masturbator.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
