The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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