I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
