Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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