If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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