This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
