Hey man sorry I got all grabby
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
