I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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