my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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