Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
