Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
