Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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