she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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