I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
