i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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