Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
