My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
