i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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