if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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