just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
