don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
