Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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