Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
