i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
