Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
