i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
