Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
