I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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