I'm so fucking centered right now
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Pants are for mortals
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
