His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
