I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
