Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
