im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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