I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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