Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
