I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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