I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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