My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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