I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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