So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
