My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
