I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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