We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
