Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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