So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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