No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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