Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
