Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
