my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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