Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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