Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
