I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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