He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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