Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize